getting help: why would anyone stay in an abusive relationship?

why stay? | helping a friend | resources

Often people assume that a person in a violent, abusive relationship is either masochistic or could easily leave if she/he so chose. However, the reasons for remaining in a violent relationship are complex and often involve both emotional and financial issues. Often victims' lives are chaotic and they feel confused, frightened, and socially isolated. They may feel ashamed and uncomfortable reaching out for the support they need, and may fear that people will judge them or consider them responsible for their abuse.

Moreover, because the victims have no control over when and if they are beaten, they may not feel in control of their lives, and consequently feel incapable of taking control. To add to these feelings, societal pressures that reinforce relationships and a lack of financial independence often contribute to women and men staying in violent relationships.

In addition, due to the cyclical nature of abuse through which the violence evolves, victims may live with false hope that the violence will end. One way to explain this is the “cycle of violence” which includes three phases: tension building, acts of violence, and honeymoon.

During the first phase, tension develops as the abusive partner begins to use control and power to threaten the victim. In the second phase, the violence erupts, and the battering may last from 2 hours to 2 days or more. Finally, the honeymoon phase is characterized by the abuser apologizing and promising that the violence will never reoccur. The abuser may even blame the abuse on the victim, stress, academics, family problems, etc. Wanting to believe the abuse will stop, the victim may deny the severity of the abuse and the probability of future occurrences. Therefore, leaving is often not as simple as an outsider might perceive.